A Day without Magic
by Director Maliwan
Summary: "Oi, why do we gotta do this again, old man? Huh, because Natsu's a nitwit? Alright then." Welp, I hope you don't mind white stuff, because this one is filled to the brim with crack! Ahaha, yeah! I swear the jokes inside are better...actually that's probably not true...Uh, why not come see for yourself? It's crack in case you haven't realized. Pairings: NatsuxHarem! Gale too!
**Feeling a bit down after my most recent venture with one of my other stories, Forced Damnation. I just don't really like where the story is going anymore. I mean, yeah Naruto is gonna get his revenge…but to be honest it seems a little petty now that I think about it. Someone didn't save you, boohoo, don't destroy everything she loves over it! Iunno, I think I intended for it to be different, maybe it still can be, but destroying Rias wasn't the main focus at all. Sure he was going to screw with her for a bit…and ultimately exact some form of vengeance but…iunno. I'm bored with it. He's really one-dimensional in my opinion, and I'd much rather work on switching between characters and developing their personalities. Hell, I'd rather work within a character's world for a bit, rather than xover.**

 **Someone claimed that most stories having a character put into another world and having new personalities is just making a glorified oc with a popular name to get behind…I guess that's true to an extent, but isn't that what fanfiction is about. Who's to say under massively different circumstances a character might end up vastly different? I enjoy fics where writers breathe their own new life into characters based on different circumstances, much better than completely changing a character's personality even though they experienced the same shit as in cannon…in my opinion…iunno. If you're a writer on here and have actively posted you're incredibly brave, I'll say that. People can bitch and moan about something in your story all they want, but until they've written something and posted it here themselves…I don't give nearly as much credit to those reviews as I do to those who have written.**

 **If I've angered you in this AN I'd apologize, but I've done that a lot recently and I really don't give a damn right now. I appreciate you reading my stuff, but know if you have something to bitch about go ahead and PM me, give me constructive criticism, don't up and fucking quit because the story doesn't seem to be going the way you want it to (that goes double for being like three chapters in). I like writing, I really do, but I'm not going to pander to people like I felt I was doing in the other fic. I wrote that to create a different Naruto to the one I've created in my other stories. I'm not exactly feeling that one anymore anyway, if you liked that one…I'll try to find the gumption to keep at it…but honestly…I'm not happy with that story anymore.**

 **That said, let's get to something I do enjoy writing!**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Fairy Tail…if I did, Naza would have stayed the course, because DAMNIT the chemistry was there!**

 **A Day Without Magic**

Makarov silently eyed his children, gauging each and every action taken by the little bastards. Every gulp of alcohol (he's up to a count of four-hundred ninety-five with Cana), every intake of breath, every time a female's—ahem— _assets_ might move as a result of said respiratory function, every snide comment, every slight snicker, every booming guffaw, every declaration of "MAN," every challenge to fight, every fist thrown. Within the walls of this guildhall, Makarov was omnipotent. There was not a thing happening that he was currently unaware of inside of this majestic building.

That being said, the odd actions of one of his children disconcerted him somewhat. What exactly was wrong with the poor boy? Why did he feel the compulsion to thrust that salmon-colored head of his into that old wooden table?

 **Crrrk!**

The ancient guildmaster winced, a sweat drop forming upon his brow as he watched the poor piece of lumber-furniture finally succumb to the unrelenting barrage of (what amounted to) pink head-butts. The fact that the wood splintered only seemed to drive the dragonslayer on, his continual rain of head thrusts steadily increasing in ferocity and pace.

 **THUNK!**

The raucous noise that was a mainstay within the guildhall slowly dulled at the abrupt interruption, conversations ended mid-sentence; loud guffaws were quickly silenced. The blunted "thunk" of head meeting wood had, ironically, shattered all noise save for its rather unfortunate continual existence.

Erza, being perhaps the bravest—

 **THUNK!**

—amongst the many denizens of the guild, decided to take it upon herself to inquire the reasoning behind this—

 **THUNK!**

—rather odd phenomenon. Marching towards everybody's favorite salmon-haired dragonslayer (fuck it everybody's favorite dragonslayer in general!), the red-headed beauty made note of the small pool of blood forming on the floor below the table. The red viscous flui—

 **THUNK!**

—GOD DAMNIT STOP IT!

Erza quirked a delicate eyebrow, the mysterious narrator's interruption aside, she had a quandary that needed to be answered. "Nat—"

 **THUNK!**

"—su!"

 **THU—**

The perpetual drone of draco-demon skull meeting the rather impressive wood construct had ceased, the pink-head no longer bouncing like a basketball upon the hard surface. Chocolate eyes, one natural, one artificial, gazed forth, worry and trepidation exuding from their beautiful depths.

Brown met onyx…

Erza couldn't help but start at the bloodshot orbs that currently held her complete attention. The crazed eyes of the resident "heart of the guild" were a bit disconcerting, however, before she could berate the fire-dragon/demon, Erza noticed a slight tremble run throughout the body of her secret **love-interest.**

…

…What, I ship Naza, wanna fight about it?

Errant and unnecessary digression aside, the beautiful scarlet knight was taken aback at the involuntary actions of her future _snooky-draggums_ ' body. She could count on one hand the number of times the brave, salmon-haired youth had shivered without her being the reason for said involuntary muscle spasm.

' _What could do this to my Natsukins?'_ Chocolate orbs of passion—currently filled with confusion and disbelief—hardened with resolve. "Natsu," he continued to stare at her, though the slight jump of fear sent a thrill through the Scarlet's spine. Heat began to pool in her abdomen, Erza fought off the automatic reaction to start…err…petting herself when thinking about dominating the salmon-haired demon/dragon/thing…

What? She finds holding power over a superior fighter a turn on, wanna fight about it?

…

Is it just me or did a potential "love interest" turn into full on dominatrix-mode _really_ quickly?

Ignoring the narrator in favor of focusing solely upon her future " _dragon-baby-daddy_ ," Erza once more inquired what exactly it was that had her beloved under such duress. "Natsu," her voice was a bit softer, she reached forward, lowering her voluptuous form to the level of the disturbed young man, "what's the matter?" She requipped her armor out of existence, laying a soft and gentle hand upon the dragonslayer's face.

She couldn't help but frown as Natsu jumped slightly at her touch. Sure she wanted him to submit to her and obey her every demand (including her future order to never again associate with a female without her approval first, even then he would have to request such a meeting by filling out the proper forms in triplicate and turning said forms in three weeks in advance of the planned meeting) but she didn't want him to be afraid of her.

Erza continued to gaze into _her_ dragon's eyes, feeling another twinge of desire run through her. Damned if that scared-puppy look wasn't a turn on! Pushing her growing sexual hunger aside, the Scarlet noticed a slight resolve form in the obsidian depths that held her gaze.

"-n't…eep"

What? Raising a delicate eyebrow, the Queen of Fairies felt a sweatdrop form upon her brow, a clear indicator of her confusion.

"What was that Natsu?"

"Cn't…eep!"

"It's finally happened, all that hot air in his head melted his brain." the resident ice-devil slayer really couldn't help himself. Sure after the Alvarez war his relationship with Natsu had calmed down—

"FUCK OFF ICE-DICK!"

—but you know how old habits are hard to break.

Taking offense to the blatant insult, Gray prepared for the usual repartee he and the pink-haired "delinquent" (his words) enjoyed so much. Unfortunately, he was ill-prepared for the re-gauntleted fist that dominated his vision.

 **KRAM!**

The Gray-shaped hole in the wall could be traced back to the steaming metal-clad arm of an irate Erza Scarlet. Her brow twitching, the beauty rounded on the seemingly revitalized dragonslayer.

"Natsu!"

His eyes went white and grew wide, "Aye sir?"

"What the hell is the matter with you?!" His questioning gaze served to only further fuel her irritation. Before she could do something she may or may not regret later, Erza gave a loud sigh, allowing the tension to loosen its powerful hold on her muscles. Keeping the dragonslayer's gaze, she silently pointed to the forgotten, ruined table, more specifically at the pool of crimson life-essence forming under the mutilated piece of arbor.

Natsu sweat-dropped at the sight. Bowing his head, he ruffled his own hair, furiously shifting through his (slightly bloody) salmon-locks in a bid to ease the pulsing in his cranium. He stood, stooped for a moment longer, his hands having moved to cover his face, an act of exasperation further highlighted by the audible sigh released from his lips.

Taking a moment, he relaxed his form before standing at full height once more, the exasperation still present, but this time tempered by the strength and resolve that was typical of the fire-dragonslaying devil.

"I…" his voice denoted tension and fatigue, a gravely aspect had taken up a good majority of his once chipper, supersonic tone, a side-effect of the recent realization of his etherious heritage. "I haven't been able to sleep for the past two weeks…"

…

…

…

" **WHAT?!** " Natsu felt his empowered eardrums nearly rupture as a massive sledgehammer of voices and noise assaulted his form. Wincing slightly, he took a moment to reaffirm control over his auditory receptors before slightly popping an onyx eye open, hoping to gauge the expressions of his compatriots.

His vision was filled with the visage of an irate Titania, the slightly twitching brow of the Fairy Queen eliciting a gulp of trepidation from the youngest Dragneel.

"You mean to tell me…that you _**mutilated**_ yourself because you can't sleep?" Like clouds coming together to form a torrential downpour, the rage began to coalesce within the red-head's eyes.

"You had us— _ **me**_ —worried because you haven't been able to _sleep_?!

'Oh God.' A tidal wave of apprehension overtook the flame-dragonslayer, he could hear ambient noise—the shouts of disbelief from his guild mates—but he paid it little to no attention. No, the Scarlet in front of him dominated his focus, the swirling emotions that filled her eyes began to harden into that all too familiar glare of rage and disappointment…but mostly rage.

'Shit, what do I do? WHAT DO I DO?!' Thinking on the fly outside of combat was never Natsu's strong suit.

Actually now that I think about it, thinking at all outside of combat isn't exactly his strong suit either.

Natsu's brow twitched with annoyance. Normally he'd have told the ever-encroaching author to "fuck off" but the current situation demanded his attentiveness far more than some nerd typing incessantly on his laptop.

Where were we again? Oh right, Natsu was back to his least favorite activity—next to allowing Gray to exist—dancing around a pissed off Erza. 'Ah hell, think Natsu think! Didn't gramps or somebody tell me how to work my way out of these situations?' Natsu began wracking his brain, sifting through a plethora of memories in a bid to stave off the impending beating.

 _ **Flashback!**_

" _Remember Natsu, it's imperative that you always gauge your partner's reaction when you strike."_

" _But it's a fight right, so why shouldn't I hit as hard as I can Gildartz?" a young impressionable flame-dragonslayer/devil/future-sexpot (…iunno man, it's a crack fic just go with it) stood before the ace of Fairy Tail, a confused expression upon his adorable chibi face._

" _Ahaha," said ace couldn't help but chuckle at his young companion's inquiry. "I guess some like it rougher than others, but seriously, if she's not into it—and I cannot stress this enough Natsu—_ _ **DON'T SPANK HER AGAIN!**_ _" The older male nodded sagely to himself, seemingly speaking form experience. "That's a surefire way to Hell, my friend."_

 _Natsu scratched his head like the confused twelve-year old that he was. "What if she_ _ **is**_ _into it?"_

 _Gildartz grinned and giggled perversely._

 _Natsu raised a young brow at his new 'father-figure.' 'I thought we were supposed to be training?' Shrugging to himself, the pre-teen slayer marched off into the forest, intent on finding a place to train that was free of…old man giggles._

 _Shudder._

 _ **Flashback End!**_

Natsu sweatdropped once more. Ok so maybe Gildartz wasn't exactly the greatest guru of knowledge to draw from; a glint of metal caught Natsu's eye, a gauntleted fist being moved into striking position.

Oh God…

Quickquickquickquickquickquickquick! Think of something else, _anything_ else!

 _ **Flashback!**_

" _Natsu there's something you should know about women." A wizened shrunken form nodded to himself sagely as he began patching up a beaten and bruised flame-dragonslayer._

" _What's that gramps?" moaned out a bandaged and broken Dragneel._

 _Makarov retained a haunted look, experiences of many beatings past flowing before his vision. To be honest, this was the first time young Natsu had ever seen the old man truly terrified._

" _My boy…they only get stronger and meaner…"_

 _Natsu's eyes grew comically wide before mirroring the horror-stricken face of his surrogate grandfather._

 _ **Flashback End!**_

Natsu damn near hung his head as that useless (in terms of his current situation) tidbit of knowledge flowed through it. Her arm was completely cocked now; potential energy was gathering in that damned appendage of hers! Oh he was right-well fucked now wasn't he?

'Shit, ok! Anything? Anyone?'

Once again he delved even further through his memories.

 _ **Flashback!**_

" _Hey Igneel trai—"_

 _ **KRAM!**_

 _Natsu was imbedded into the side of the massive cave wall, his trajectory spawning from an outstretched finger of the great Fire Dragon King, Igneel._

" _Don't talk, you have a way of pissing me off, brat."_

 _ **Flashback End!**_

' _Fuck.'_

 _ **Flashback!**_

 _Natsu smiled as he skipped up to the tall form before him. The five-year old couldn't help but smile up at his favorite person in the whole wide "yoo-nii-verst."_

" _Onii-chan!"_

 _Said older brother could only smile benignly down at his greatest success. Amongst all of his failures, amongst all the destruction and death, amongst all the hopelessness, here was his one saving grace, his magnum opus, his crowned jewel._

 _His little brother, Natsu._

" _What can onii-chan do for you today, ototou?" Zeref smiled down at the young pink lad, before a tremor passed through his spine. 'No, not now!' He shuddered as a wave of revulsion and evil pulsed throughout his form. Try as he might to contain it, it was no use. A miasma of obsidian death shot forth encompassing all of the rather small cavern that the dark wizard and his little brother called home._

 _Eyes flying wide open, the elder Dragneel panicked as he swiftly turned to check on his little brother. Only to sweatdrop at the sight of the little demon sucking in the death cloud as though it were a spaghetti noodle._

" _Swoop! Ah, that hit the spot nii-chan! Thanks for the food!" the younger Dragneel sibling grinned widely back up at his idol and best friend._

 _Laughing nervously at his little brother's antics and resolving that he'd never get used to Natsu's ability to literally_ _ **eat**_ _death, Zeref couldn't help but pat his adorable little ototou on the head, ruffling his salmon-locks for good measure._

" _What was it you needed onii-chan for, ototou?"_

 _Natsu grinned wider at his big brother, the question that had been bugging him for a while now was sure to be answered! "Onii-chan, how was I born?"_

 _Zeref didn't miss a damn beat, "In a test-tube, just like all the others."_

 _Natsu sweat-dropped at his brother's wide benign smile._

 _ **Flashback End!**_

Where the hell had that come from? Before Natsu could ponder the unexpected recall of his life from long ago, his vision was filled with silver.

Oh God.

"WAIT!"

Natsu peaked behind winced eyelids, his eyes shooting wide open at the metal-plated fist frozen in mid-air mere millimeters from his face.

'Oh thank the ever-loving gods above for you, Wendy Marvell.'

Erza, however, carefully eyed the young woman who had the stones (metaphorical of course) to order her to "wait." "What is it Wendy?" She glanced briefly at her dragonslayer, "Do you need to hit him too?"

Wendy furiously shook her head in denial, uncertainty and worry gracing her adorable face. "May-Maybe we should hear Natsu-san out first?" Her cute tones resonated throughout the guild (hitting one Mest Gryder especially hard), bringing pause to everyone's indignation. "Perhaps…perhaps something is wrong with Natsu-san that's preventing him from sleeping…"

Erza paused in thought, briefly wondering what could possibly be wrong with her shnoockydraggums to be forcing him to lose sleep. Perhaps he was being kept up at night by Happy? How _dare_ that cat bother her dragonslayer!

Wait…didn't Lisanna say Happy had been spending the past two weeks at the Strauss household? It obviously couldn't be the feline then…so what was it?

He was dead tired…

He seemed exhausted…

He was bereft of his usually energy…

All of these observations basically amounted to the same thing and thus are ultimately useless.

…

No…

No…fucking…way!

Natsu began to inch away from the armor-clad Scarlet, calculating each movement carefully in order to not draw suspicion. However, his stealth mission flew right out the window as he found himself lifted off his feet by the very fist that had very nearly smashed his face in earlier.

Bollocks.

"Natsu!" Damned if Erza wasn't sexy when she was yelling at him…no! Down dragon! Down! "Explain." The venom in her voice actually made the poor pink bastard wince in pain, his…erm…dragon-jewels pulsing in pain at the potential torture that the red-head would most likely inflict upon them.

"Y-you see—"

"Natsu…" Yup, Iggy and Zef-chan were probably done for…(his dragon-jewels).

"It's those damn Tartaros bastards!" he shouted out in desperation, hoping beyond hope that Erza wouldn't recall two very specific and _very_ female members of said Dark Guild.

The Scarlet Titania blinked, her eyes comically matching those of a dazzled feline. The rest of the guild was much the same…

"What?!"

Natsu winced once more; damnit why did they feel the need to shout all the damn time! It was murder on his ears! Nodding sagely, Natsu prepared himself for the inevitable shit-storm of questions and quandaries. A slight and gentle tap on his shoulder brought his attention around to the concerned visage of his long-time friend, Lucy Heartfilia.

"Ne, Natsu, what exactly is an entire Dark Guild doing at your house?" Perhaps the most burning question on everyone's minds, that's why you're here Lucy, to keep the plot rolling! (that's a lie, there is no plot)

Natsu gave a tired sigh, the dragonslayer looking much wearier than any of them had ever seen. "It started…with a doorbell…"

 _ **Flashback! (Another one?)**_

 _ **DING-DONG!**_

" _Hello?"_

" _END-sama!"_

 _Said dragonslayer/demon found himself dog-piled under the combined mass that was Mard Geer, Franmalth, Jackal, and Ezel. Amidst the mass of swarming limbs, the pinkette gazed through the hoard to make out the features of the more restrained individuals. The rather pleasant curves of Sayla and Kyoka were a welcome sight...well it was nice to see some beautiful figures amongst the monstrous denizens of Fiore's strongest Dark Guild. I mean sure Torafusa, Tempester, and Keith dampened the agreeable sight, but at this point Natsu would take what he could get._

 _Wait…what the fuck?_

 _What the hell was this group of jackasses—and two extremely attractive demonesses—doing here?!_

 _Wait…what was poking—_

 _OH HELL NO!_

 _Sayla and Kyouka found themselves wincing slightly as intense light poured out from the center of the mass of demons. A slight sweat began to break out upon their beautiful bodies, heat pooled in their cores as waves of unrelenting demonic power began to surround them._

 _Sayla laid a delicate hand atop her breasts, breathing becoming a much more sensual task then it had been a moment ago. Kyoka merely smiled demurely, the lack of her usual helmet displaying the lustful look that took up residence upon her visage._

 _The skeleton man, fish-man, and bishounen/beast-man, behind the two merely sweatdropped; they were no strangers to the fury of the strongest of demons. Whatever had managed to set their lord off…well suffice to say they didn't exactly want to be around the flame-demon when he inevitably went nuclear._

 _Nor did they really want to bear witness to Sayla and Kyoka's own eventual 'meltdowns' in reaction to their master's blatant display of power and dominance._

 _Too many times man! Too many times had they been subjected to that sight!_

 _Thus, the male trio swiftly dismissed themselves from the premises under the pretense of procuring the demonic luggage from their demonic mode of demonic transportation._

… _DEMONS!_

 _Right, well, back to Natsu then shall we?_

 _Said salmon-haired demon-dragonslayer-supermage felt an all too familiar and addictive sensation bloom within him. Tainted magic swelled throughout his form, ancient and forbidden power rushing forth to the surface from which it had been parted for centuries. The intense light that had spawned from the dragonslayer's body, once pure and brilliant, distorted as a mix of crimson and black seeped into the luminescence. A slight pressure made itself known upon the crown of the buried dragonslayer._

 _Jackal, amidst the many male bodies strewn haphazardly upon the form of the "bestest onii-chan in the whole wide world(!)," blinked owlishly as something rather sharp protruded into unwanted territory._

" _Ezel, get your pointy-ass arm out of my ass!" the yell was slightly muffled amongst the flailing forms and errant shouts, but it's prominence was just enough for the intended target to hear it._

" _My arms ain't nowhere near yer scrawny ass, ya damn mutt!"_

…

" _Oi! Why the hell are you blushing anyway!"_

…

" _Mard Geer_ _ **really**_ _doesn't want to be under Jackal anymore!"_

" _You know Jackal…I sometimes fantasize about anal-play as well."_

" _Mard Geer commands you to shut the fuck up, Franmalth! You, dog, get your filthy hands away from Mard Geer's glorious ass!"_

" _I-I'm not—I mean…guys I'm not—it's just—"_

" _Silence dog! Mard Geer refuses to have his body sullied by your disgusting flesh! You will not touch Mard Geer's marvelous pistil with your disgusting stamen!"_

" _ **GET THE FUCK OFF!**_ _" A guttural roar cut cleanly through the petty repartee, the outcry preceding the crimson and obsidian explosion of power that had been building for the last page or so. The result was comical to say the least. The myriad of demons piled upon END's form levitated for a brief moment, their eyes wide at the sudden forced relocation of their varied forms. The suspension did not last, much like the flipping of the proverbial switch, without warning the demons found themselves launched forward at supersonic speed, each meeting a surprisingly sturdy arbor ceiling._

 _Amidst the demon bodies that, one-by-one fell from above, stood a disgruntled END in all his unholy glory. Well, truth be told his appearance hadn't really changed all that much, Natsu Dragneel stood in the middle of his living room, mostly unchanged save for the large black horns that sat atop his head and the dark tribal markings spreading across his now bare-chested form. The markings stopped their expansive crawl just below the cheeks of the flame-demon, ending in pointed tips and framing his handsome visage in such a way as to heighten the animalistic qualities of his visage._

 _A halo of crimson flame enveloped the strongest demon, power fluctuating—radiating—with each tongue of dark-red incineration that leapt from his form. Obsidian eyes morphed, twisting into a deep, sinister amber, pupils dilating before contracting into harsh cat-like slits. The imposing figure inhaled deeply, consuming the oxygen much like the greedy flames that surrounded him, before expelling the air in a long drawn out sigh. His head bowed, Etherious Natsu Dragneel gazed lazily down at the supine Mard Geer Tartaros._

"' _Marevlous pistal?'" He really didn't want to know…but couldn't help himself._

" _Yeah...Mard Geer's curse involves thorns…like on a plant…Mard Geer is a plant."_

 _A sweat-drop appeared upon the brows of Natsu and the only female occupants of the room. "You…are exceedingly stupid." Natsu and Sayla snorted at the talon-toed woman's blatant insult. Normally Kyouka would have been terrified of the Tartaros King, however, now that END-sama was here…well, suffice to say, the hierarchy was vastly different._

" _Why yo—ack!" Standing swiftly to strike out at one of the nine-demon gates, Mare Gear found his arm caught within a vice-like grip, severe stress being applied to his bones as a massive pressure bathed the limb in agony._

 _Kyouka continued to sneer at the once-leader of Tartaros, relishing her new position of power behind her master._

 _Speaking of which, Natsu figured that the opportune moment to reestablish his rule over the Dark Guild had presented itself. Mard Geer's attempt to strike Kyouka for her derision seemed to be that very moment. The leader of Tartaros winced in pain, falling to his knees as ungodly pressure was placed upon his currently occupied right arm._

 _Natsu grimaced down at his one-time subordinate, a sneer of derision forming upon his handsome face. He applied more pressure to the distended limb within his grasp, forcing the Thorn-demon into absolute submission. "Remember your place, Tartaros!"_

 _Kyouka and Sayla purred at the verbal growl in their master's tone. He was more dominant than ever! Both quivered in lust, their anticipation of what was sure to come causing the heat within their cores to become a raging inferno. "Oh, END-sama!" Thus began a constant barrage of coos and compliments._

 _Natsu snorted. He'd almost forgotten how horny those two tended to become whenever he flaunted his power. Damned demon women and their insatiable libidos._

 _(…it is at this point that the author realizes just how sexist this story seems to have become…the author then remembers that the entire point of this story was to be a poor attempt at crack humor anyway so…)_

 _Wait a second._

 _What the hell were they doing here anyway?!_

" _Oi, Tartaros." Lifting said demon vertically by the appendage he had just crushed, Natsu called out to his lieutenant._

" _H-hai, END-sama?" Mard Gear squeaked out a rather weak response, hoping to Zeref-sama that his master wouldn't incinerate him again._

 _God knows, Hell was becoming harder and harder to escape._

" _What possessed you to come here, anyway," Natsu's eyes grew slanted, power radiating behind unfathomable depths of crimson. The burning aura surrounding the flame-demon grew more intense. "I thought I told you not to contact me when I pulled your sorry asses out of the abyss?" His face was inches from the submissive lieutenant, eliciting a nervous sweat from the defeated demon. "Well?!"_

" _A-ah, we…well…"_

" _You're trying my patience, Tartaros!" The heat surrounding Natsu became unbearable, the surrounding wood and stone-work beginning to sublimate under the immense pressure and temperature._

" _We were in the neighborhood and—ack!"_

" _ANSWER ME, TARTAROS!" the pink-haired demon had long since abandoned gripping the ravaged arm of his captive, deciding, instead, to grasp the throat of the cowed thorn-demon. Enflamed fingers began the process of carving through supple throat-flesh before a delicate hand drew the enraged dragonslayer's attention to the ever-welcome sight of his horned-demoness, Sayla._

" _Master," she didn't so much speak the word as breathe it, eliciting a hungry growl from the demonic pinkette. "We merely wish to be close to you, master." She sweat-dropped, facing away from her lord before embarrassedly mumbling the_ other _reason for their unexpected arrival, "Also, END-sama blew up Cube…"_

 _Natsu's eyes widened a bit._

 _Oh._

 _ **Ooooooh!**_

 _That's right._

 _Flashback (INCEPTION!)_

 _Natsu sighed, gazing over the conglomerate of resurrected demons he'd recently breathed life into…welp, just one more to go! Oh shit, this was a big one!_

 _Pumping out an obscene amount of demon-tainted magical energy, Natsu began the process of reanimation…_

 _Two-hours later, he was faced with the massive form of Cube, the demon…err…cube-thing._

 _Natsu eyed the large…cube(sweat-drop) warily. It stared back at its master with its ever-present grimace._

" _Oi! Quit with the stupid face!"_

 _The cube…thing (_ _ **I really don't know what the fuck to call it!**_ _) released a massive sweat-drop at END's outburst. Truthfully, it couldn't change its expression._

" _Oh, a wise-guy huh? I told you to quit with the damn stupid look!"_

 _A tear formed on Cube's giant rock face, hurt by its master's insults and displeasure._

" _Oi, got something to say to me?!"_

 _Cube couldn't speak either._

" _Alright smart-ass I see how it is! Too cool for me are you? Well fuck you too then!" A veritable tsunami of fire blanketed the surrounding desert, suffocating the ecosystem under its massive weight. What was once a calm ocean of browns and yellows had become a raging surf of crimson and black. Slowly the crimson flames receded, leaving behind various edifices of melted sand and forming glass. Inch by inch the flames crept to their wielder, coalescing and condensing in his vertically outstretched hand. Finally, what was once an ocean of fire, had become a palm-size sphere of crimson flames._

" _Any last words?"_

 _Cube continued to grimace._

" _ **FUCK YOU!**_ _"_

 _When Kyouka awoke hours later three things became readily apparent to her. The main members of Tartaros were alive, strewn about randomly in what appeared to be a desert, Mard Geer was clutching his balls and bawling his eyes out, and there seemed to be a hand-sized piece of rubble with a familiar grimacing face that was bawling its eyes out._

 _Flashbackception End!_

 _Natsu couldn't help but sweat-drop at his own stupidity. To be perfectly honest, a small part of him felt bad for blowing the cuboidal demon into smithereens, however, a much larger part really didn't give a fuck._

 _That part was more END then Natsu._

" _So…" the question need not be asked, but he wanted to be sure._

 _Sayla frowned cutely, her eyes growing large and watering in a manner very reminiscent of what one might find on a sad puppy. "We need a place to stay. Can we stay with END-sama?"_

 _Natsu winced at the puppy-dog eyes. Damned cliché techniques and their potentially sexist undertones! I mean really, anybody can use the stupid puppy-eyes bullshit, but you put it in one little story and your twenty-two-year-old high school teacher calls you a sexist and gives you the stink eye for the rest of time! I mean fu—_

 _Err…_

 _Natsu winced at the puppy-dog eyes, the most feared technique in the sacred book of kawaii! 'What the hell do I do? I can't say no. Natsu Dragneel does not say no to adorable female creatures!'_

' _Wait, that's it!'_

' _I'm not_ just _Natsu Dragneel. I'm Etherious Natsu-motherfucking-Dragneel! Cute things ain't got shit on me!'_

 _Reinvigorated by the self-reminder of his demonic heritage, the dragonslaying demon-o-fire turned, resolution clear in his gaze. "Look girls it's just no—"_

 _Then his eyes met two naked female demons._

 _Kyouka smiled demurely, lightly trailing her fingers over the curves of her supple hips, running the digits up and over her bountiful breast, staring straight into the eyes of her master. Lust-filled sapphire met raging amber._

 _Two weeks later Natsu managed to pull his sorry carcass away from the fracas that had become his home-life, limping his way into Magnolia proper. When he finally reached the Fairy Tail guildhall, he found a nice gentle, wooden table, and proceeded to try and do something he hadn't done in three-hundred thirty-six hours: sleep._

 _Only he couldn't…because Kyouka's goddamn_ _ **relentless-sex**_ _curse was still in effect! Once the realization hit the poor bastard, he decided to utilize his last resort. With unparalleled resolve, the son of Igneel began to headbutt the table, hoping that it wouldn't break before he got the chance to knock himself out on it._

 _Flashback End!_

"So…you mean to tell me that ten of the evillest and powerful creatures roaming Fiore today…are at your house, three miles outside of a major city, completely unsupervised?!" The panic was damn near palpable in Makarov's voice. He elderly man jumped upon the damaged table, now standing eye-to-eye with the sitting dragonslayer. Grabbing the young man/demon by the shoulders, the guildmaster began to shake him repeatedly, "Don't you realize what could happen?! When the council finds out—"

"Gramps, don't you mean, _if_ the council finds out?" Makarov stopped his harassment of the dragonslayer to stare directly at Gajeel.

"If?" he questioned, the nod of the metal-head sent a wave of reassurance coursing through Makarov's ancient body. "If…if is good," he began nodding as though he were deep in thought.

A plan forming in his head, Makarov quickly ascended to the banister of the second-floor, drawing the attention of his all those he considered his children. "Alright brats, listen up!"

The already quiet assembled mass gave the old man the undivided attention of its members. "As you all have undoubtedly heard…Tartaros is in town." The slight murmurs of discontent were not unexpected; damnit this was gonna suck. "We have _finally_ got some leeway from the magic council after the whole Alvarez fiasco." The confusion was palpable, Makarov raised his hand in order to hold off any questions, this needed to be said. "As such, it is imperative that the Council doesn't find out about one of our members harboring individuals who…don't have the best history with the council." An uncomfortable chuckle escaped his lungs. "Thus, I must ask all of you to not use your magic until a time comes in which we can figure out how to deal with the situation!"

Really the first question shouted out, the one everyone grabbed onto, was not the one Makarov had been expecting.

"Fantasia's tomorrow, what are we gonna do without magic?"

…

'Ah shit.'

Chapter End!

 **MOTHERFUCKER that was a bitch to finish! Just crapped out the last two-thousand words in like three hours! Ugh! It was definitely fun coming up with stuff. Mard Gear is a plant, thus he didn't want Jackal's "stamen" in his "pistil" AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…uh, plant biology. Right well, it's not too funny yet. I'm really trying to work on my humor here as well as my character configuration. Everybody is one-dimensional at this point because…well it's a crack fic, what do you expect? I'm a bit bored with writing the dark-fic, so I figure composing a crack-fic might help get the old juices flowing! I ended up with this pile-o-crap…but I like it enough. I feel it has potential. I really need to work on my patience when writing though. I just want to finish up all these scenarios and it just gets flip-flopped and muddled along the way. You can probably see where I rushed it.**

 **Regardless, there are probably questions. Will there be lemons? Iunno, never written one before…well not really. I wrote something like a tease and it got a bit awkward in the library…ahaha. Don't want it to get too sexist…well you know, as anti-sexist as a Natsu x various females harem can get, you know?**

 **Flashback hell am I right? Probably gonna be at least one per chapter, so if you're not into that, then this probably isn't the story for you.**

 **While I'll take suggestions, I'm not gonna pander to you guys on this one. If you have suggestions, send a pm, but humor suggestions only! Pairings are set in stone, by that I mean the harem is set in stone, by that I mean it's whoever I damn well want to put in the harem, by that I mean harem suggestions will be ignored entirely…probably.**

 **Want Kagura in the harem? Well I don't have the patience to write her in just yet so you'll have to wait awhile!**

 **Want Erza in the harem? Well she's already there damnit! Let me tell you, the Yandere is revving her engines!**

 **Was Lucy even in this chapter? You know, I don't really know myself. Happy sure as hell wasn't!**

 **If ya want, leave a review. More will get here when it gets here!**

 **Thanks for reading!**


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